•“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” 
― George Bernard Shaw

•“One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time

•“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
― Rodney Dangerfield 

•“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” 
― Albert Einstein

•“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” 
― Robert A. Heinlein

•“Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.” 
― Jarod Kintz

•“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” 
― Oscar Wilde

•“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.” 
― Woody Allen

•“Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.” 
― George Carlin

•“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.” 
― Stephanie Klein

•“If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk

•“Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!” 
― Martin Luther

•“I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” 
― Bill Watterson

•“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” 
― Oscar Wilde

•“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.” 
― Mark Twain

•“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” 
― Groucho Marx

•“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.” 
― Chelsea Handler

•“I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” 
― Benjamin Franklin

•“If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.” 
― Alice Roosevelt Longworth

•“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” 
― Charles Dickens

•“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.” 
― Douglas Adams

•“I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” 
― Madonna

•“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” 
― Mae West

•“The only good thing to do with good advice is pass it on; it is never of any use to oneself.” 
― Oscar Wilde

•“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.” 
― Ashleigh Brilliant

•“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

•“The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.” 
― Terry Pratchett

•“Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.” 
― Winston Churchill

•“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” 
― George Carlin

•“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.” 
― Stephen King

•“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.” 
― Woody Allen

•“Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.” 
― Thomas Stephen Szasz

•“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.” 
― Erma Bombeck

•“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” 
― W.C. Fields

•“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” 
― Benjamin Franklin

•“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.” 
― Terry Pratchett

•“Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.” 
― Jane Austen

•“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” 
― Robin P. Williams

•“I like men who have a future and women who have a past.” 
― Oscar Wilde

•“Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.” 
― Jennifer L. Armentrout

•“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” 
― Jane Austen

•“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” 
― Bette Midler

•“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” 
― Groucho Marx

•“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.” 
― Oscar Wilde

•“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” 
― Terry Pratchett